Untitled

jxhn-mulaney:

some of y’all have never gone to make a happy birthday card, and thought “i don’t need to trace it. i know how big letters should be,” and begun with a big-ass H, followed by a big-ass A and… oh, no! oh, god! ok, all right. real skinny P with a high hump, and then we’ll put the second P below the hump of that first P, sort of like a motorcycle sidecar situation. and now you have no room for the Y, so you do a kind of curled-up noodle Y. block letters and cursive look good together. and then you go to write “Birthday” and you totally forget the lesson you just learned with “Happy.” you’re like, “yeah, but the past is the past. big-ass B. surely more letters will fit in the same space,” and it really shows.

(via demolitionjetstar)

nezoid:

image

“Yeah Ben…”
*Slaps*
“…we respect you.”

peachywise:

john mulaney looked so stunned to win the emmy because now his immortal life is recorded in history, so 100 years from now when a historian asks him why he looks so much like that emmy award-winning comedian, he’s going to have to throw his money clip in order to distract them

vampireapologist:

being a cashier is so stressful i’ll be like “hi! how are you :^)” and the customer will hand me a screwdriver and say “my granddaughter had a miscarriage this morning” and I’m like …………………..i’m so sorry that’s $2.33

(via vampireapologist-archive-deacti)

badicarus:

badicarus:

people really came for hozier for his four year hiatus as if they have clocks in the woods

me, rattling spoons in the wilderness: hozier come on it’s been four years

hozier, materializing from a tree: it what

(via novaios)

healthgoth:

me demanding affection only to deny it after